Looking For Love

I spent my early years searching for something to fill the emptiness inside of me. I lost my mom 2 days after my 5th birthday, and felt angry, cheated, and empty most of my life. I tried filling that void with drugs, booze, bad behavior, and many wrong choices. I was afraid to love, for fear of Yahweh (God) taking whomever that was, away from me. I wanted nothing to do with Him. At the age of almost 20, I had my first son, and all the love that I’d been keeping held back, was poured on him. He was everything to me, he was my first. He needed me, and I wasn’t going to let him down. When he was young, I began going to a little country assembly in Indiana. I gave my life to (Jesus) Yahsha the Messiah. A lot of things happened over the years, and I turned away from Yahweh, I felt that I had failed, because I was now a divorced woman, with two children. I had developed what is called COPD, which took everything away from me. My camping, hiking, walking, working, I was forced to stop it all. Was Yahweh trying to tell me something? Or… did He not love me? I was afraid to know the answer, and so I never tried to find out. Years pasted and my oldest son moved to Kansas, and I moved their also, after awhile. What prompted my move was an evening after going to the Dr. for a bought of bronchiolitis, everything was shutting down. I could not get any air in at all, and I could only mouth what I was saying, and I was mouthing. “I’m not going to make it” The paramedics arrived just in time. I was white, my lips were white/blue, and my O2 was in the low 70’s They put me on pure Oxygen and gave me several shots to try to open my lungs up. During all this, I was asking Yahweh (God) for a second chance. I guess He heard me, because I’m still here to tell this story. I went to Kansas to visit my son for a month and during that month I began to feel better. I knew that was where I was to be. I made plans to move out there. I had a little dog named Nikki who had to be walked. Just letting her outside didn’t work anymore like it did in Indiana. So I began walking her out to the parking lot at first. Then gradually I walked a block, then two, then three. Within a year I was walking well over 2 miles a day. I was off most of my 14 medications. I had lost around 100 pounds as well. One evening during service Yahweh spoke through our Pastor that I needed to get rid of my fear. Oh boy! I didn’t’ realize that the spirit of fear had taken that much control over me. It explain a lot of things in my life. Once I was able to give it up to Yahsha (Jesus) I was free to love my sons, my friends, but most of all to love Yahweh with all that I am. Yahweh had been trying to show me all through my life that He loved me, and that I could love. After all, he had given me my second son, whom I call my miracle baby. Today, I love my children, my grand children, my husband, yes, Yahweh aloud me a second chance at love too, to love my friends, with out the fear that they would be taken away from me. I never let the chance go by that I don’t tell them how much I love them.